The Deep Inner Work of A Child Of Divorce & What You Can Learn From Her
Growing up I could never relate to my peers who didn’t come from a broken family. Whether that may be one parent supporting them or parents of divorce. I always valued the idea of how important marriage is even with all the negative and mixed messages I was absorbing growing up.
Marriage is a powerful bond between two people. I still believe that and know my parents made a mistake through their personal choices. Their decisions of getting married to one another, staying in the marriage, and ultimately divorcing are not my responsibility. However, healing from all of this is my responsibility! To be clear, I’m not blaming my parents, shaming them or angry at them. I am just expressing the factors of everyday struggles and what contributes to them on a deeper level.
What makes dating so difficult when you’re a child of divorce are the negative habits and expectations you pick up from growing up in that environment. *Disclaimer*, having healthy boundaries and high expectations of someone is not at negative, unhealthy, or unrealistic desires. However, being part of a toxic environment can bring up attachment, anxiety, and inaccurate behaviours of what dating actually looks like. These are the four lessons that I have learned and worked through:
- Attachment Issues- We attach ourselves to people or what seems like familiar behaviour, but they aren’t necessarily healthy for us. For example, if you find yourself dating people who don’t have a sense of boundaries or yells at you because you grew up seeing this in your home, you will subconsciously accept their behaviour when it comes up. Essentially, what is familiar to you will be what you attract unless you learn how to get unattached from these types of personalities when you date.
- Social Anxiety/ Dating Anxiety- What I like to define as “dating anxiety”. No matter how patient or caring the person you’re dating is, there is a form of anxiety that comes up. Anxiety looks different for all of us and it’s important to recognize body warnings and triggers of anxiety that come up in order to assess why these emotions or body sensations come up (a mental health professional/ therapist is best to guide you through it).
- Holding Back or Saying Too Much- Not knowing how to balance when the appropriate time to say how you feel or not being able to express yourself properly based purely on fear or anxiety is a tough mental space to be in. What this can look like: Overthinking when the appropriate time to say things like “I love you” and navigating whether you’re true with your intentions or afraid the partner you are dating will run away.
- Boundary Issues- Navigating boundaries is something you are constantly working on throughout your life. However, it’s more difficult when you grew up in an environment where you witnessed your parents overstepping boundaries on a regular basis. You either can go to two extremes of never allowing anyone into your life (constantly saying no) or doing too much (constantly saying yes). These extremes have attachment issues related to them (as per point #1) and are capable of change (not impossible). Constantly working on saying no to others with the realization that the people who respect you will not fight your boundaries, or slowly opening up to people and learning who to trust and give your time to will be a great way to form the relationships you want and deserve!
For those still healing from their parents’ divorce, I can tell you that being able to walk away from your past issues and fears implanted during your childhood will go away and you will gain the freedom you have been yearning for all your life! Keep working on yourself, these issues that come up, understanding your truth, and you will be the best partner anyone could ask for!
